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THOSE OF US WHO
ARE CHILDLESS
Many of us attend support
group meetings for one reason - a child of ours has
died. For some of us, however, the child that died
was the only child we had, and though our pain is
certainly no worse than those who have surviving
children, there are differences. “We” will never
hear the word “Mom” or “Dad” again. “We” have no
hope of grandchildren. “We” only have ourselves to
go on for. During the past seven years there has
been many times when I have cringed in meetings as
a fellow bereaved parent inadvertently hurt me. How
can you as a compassionate friend help?
I have listed some ways to
make it easier for a parent, with no surviving
child, to be comfortable at support group meetings.
* When a parent with no
surviving children is in your group, please don’t
bring out the pictures of your grandchildren. Save
them for someone who at least has the hope of
grandchildren. We do not.
* Though you may have special
problems with your surviving child (children) don’t
expound on them. We would love to have any problem
at all.
* Please don’t say, “I don’t
know how you bear it.” That is equivalent to
someone who has not had a child to die saying the
same words to you. We “bear it” because we have no
choice, just as you do not.
* Please do not tell us, “But
you have your husband/wife.” It’s just not the
same.
* Please don’t say, “You
don’t have the worry about having another child
die.” We would love to have that worry.
* Please do not tell us that
entering menopause is nothing to be concerned
about. To us, it is the ending of a chance that we
will ever have a child to parent again.
* Please do not bring
“surprises” to meetings. Support groups are for
adults and while there are
occasions when bringing a
child is appropriate, please do not do so
unannounced. The sight of a child (be it your own,
or a grandchild) may bring tears to my eyes. I want
to be “safe” just as you do.
* If you are fortunate enough
to have another child. I am happy for you. But
please do not tell me the details of your
pregnancy. For some of us, that is not an option.
* Please don’t tell us there
are lots of children in this word to “parent”. This
may be true, and while I may do so someday, it must
be my choice.
* I understand that grief is
not a contest. I know my pain is not worse than
yours, but it is different, and there are different
bridges to cross. Thank you for being compassionate
to all of us.
Vicki
In memory of my son, Sandy
ALIVE ALONE SPRING,
1998
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IN MEMORY OF BOBBY
DIGAN
A FATHER'S
THOUGHTS
By Bob Digan, Lee,
MA
A child's gaze
through windows mask,
Laughter and song as others play.
Tears fall to earth's domain,
Near to be is his wish.
Yet he staggers for
better view,
To partake through windows haze.
Child held captive by dysfunction,
Knows the anguish of desires thirst
unquenched.
A prisoner in his own
body be,
How lonely, how arid, how long - WHY - must
he?
So involved are
others though,
Not knowing the torment of his heart.
Through rain, sun,
storm or hail he'll endure,
to gain a friend his quest goes on -
While piercing through window haze.
What anguish, what
loneliness, he asks not,
To be touched by an others hand.
Love, Dad
ALIVE ALONE AUGUST,
1999
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